美媒仿郭台銘語氣給特朗普寫信:蘋果手機回美國造?做夢!

superdaily     2016-12-13     檢舉

【文/觀察者網 吳婭坤】據彭博社12月7日稱,蘋果公司的主要供應商富士康目前正在就擴大美國業務,以及在美國本土投資建廠的可能性進行初步商討。

隨後,鴻海方面對此發表了正式的官方聲明稱,「雖然投資的具體金額還不確定,只要我們的決策層與美國相關部門完成商討,我們一定會第一時間發布相關消息」。該聲明還提到,計劃的達成將基於雙方均同意的條件。

在大選過程中,特朗普就曾公開呼籲蘋果將生產線轉移至美國創造就業稱,「我將敦促蘋果公司在我們的土地上製造電腦和iPhone手機,而不是在中國。」此外,他還承諾將把資金回流企業的稅收從目前的26%降至10%~15%。但據相關估算,在美國生產一部iPhone手機成本,將達到人民幣一萬四千塊。

此次富士康在美國投資建廠的新聞再度引起了外界對「iPhone美國造」的眾多猜測。本文是彭博社專欄作家Tim Culpan以郭台銘的口吻撰寫的專欄文章,觀察者網對此特別進行了諧趣編譯。

親愛的特朗普先生:

我猜你還不知道我是誰,容我先來進行一下自我介紹,我叫郭台銘,英文名叫Terry,你兜里那部iPhone,沒錯,就是我造的。

首先,我要對你成功當選新一任美國總統,表示誠摯的祝賀。你競選總統還成功了這事,讓我很受啟發。我覺得,是時候考慮一下我要不要也去參選個台灣「總統」噹噹了。說不定你下次想找台灣「總統」聊天,電話那頭就會女聲變男聲,由我去接電話啦。

你還別小瞧我,咱倆共同點可多了去了。首先,咱倆都是大富豪吧,雖然我比你更有錢一點,但我絕對不會因為這個看不起你的;其次,咱倆都喜歡蓋大樓造房子;此外,咱倆還都娶了個年輕貌美大長腿的夫人;最後呢,我也煩死華爾街了。

你之前拉選票的時候拍著胸脯給選民們保證,說上台後一定讓他們都能找著工作,但我覺得其實不用這樣。看在咱倆有這麼多共同點的份兒上,小弟我給你一個不太成熟的小建議:幫他們找啥工作啊,只要能讓他們覺得你往這方面使勁了就行了唄。雖然這話是我挑明的,但我猜你肯定會在心裡給我鼓一百下掌,畢竟最熟悉這一套的還是你嘛。

偷偷告訴你,這事其實一點都不難,如果讓我來幫你的話。還不明白?老兄你趕緊去什麼巴西、印尼、印度,還有大陸的幾個省瞅瞅吧,然後你就能整明白是咋回事了。

咱們舉個栗子啊,就說那印尼,我的福地之一。啊不對,我腦子有點懵,我還沒在那兒生產過iPhone呢,而且……可能永遠都不會把廠子開到印尼去。但是呢,印尼人還是很稀罕我的,因為我在那兒蔫兒悄地開了個閉門會議,然後那些虎吵吵的領導們啊就開始給媒體吹牛了,吹什麼「是我拉來了Terry郭啊」,「他答應給我們投資100個億的美金建造產高端大氣上檔次的iPhone手機啦」,「看看看,這可都是我的政績啊」。對於這些印尼當官的吹下的牛,我也很無奈啊,能怎麼辦呢,又不是我的錯,無奈攤手咯。

再來說說超級聰明的我一般是怎麼幹事兒的。我呢,就充分發揮想像力,天馬行空地開出一堆條件,說:這個這個這個,你們都給我滿足了,然後我就來這兒開廠,帶你們造全球著名的大蘋果手機。然後我就坐那兒看著這些當官的鬥來鬥去,組團掐架。一撥人喊著:答應他答應他!答應他了我們就有選票了,還能再干五百年;另一撥人喊回去:你們瞎吵吵啥,就這要求答應他,不鬧呢嘛。

嗯,來讓我梳理一下思緒,對,我這是講到正題上了,我就想給你說這個來著。

有人告訴我說,你想讓蘋果手機回美國生產,還專門把蒂姆·庫克叫去訓話了。其實這事他說了不算,這事得找我商量,因為iPhone是我造,又不是他造。你覺得我說話分量不夠?開玩笑,我可是去年一年從蘋果手裡賺來750億美元的大老闆。

真的,我的的確確是一個干大事的人,不怎麼會說,但做事情肯定是一把好手。之前庫克和我商量,說為了少交關稅,能不能搬點生產線去巴西,我這人夠義氣,說搬就搬!但具體在操作上,我動了一點點小心思,並沒給當地創造很多很多就業喲。沒錯,你猜對了,我就是用了上面我說到的那個辦法——虛晃一槍,只是出口了我提前就造好的iPhone然後運到巴西,像拼樂高積木一樣,一組裝,完事!

這也不是我投機取巧,因為我真的達到大家的目的了啊,你好我好大家好。蘋果高層也開心了,巴西領導人也開心了。至於誰來對這事買單嘛……反正不是我,要不你猜猜看?

所以,你想要在美國生產iPhone,這對我來說太容易了,根本不算事。只要你一聲令下,我甚至可以馬上動工,在特朗普大廈里給你建一條生產iPhone的流水線,畢竟還是讓你開心最重要,但我還是要稍稍提個醒,成本可能會很高喲。你說不許有這麼高的成本,那我可是會跟你翻臉的。同為商人,還有那麼多共同點,你也要為我考慮考慮吧,我有成本,我需要僱工人,我需要布局交通,我還繳稅,我還要……反正我還要好多好多。

所以,你也明白了,我為什麼要在中國大陸生產iPhone,這都是有原因的啊,畢竟有人曾說過,「沒有無緣無故的愛,也沒有無緣無故的恨」,高峰期我在中國大陸可是有100萬流水線工人的。其實在中國大陸生產也不是特別便宜,我之所以在那裡生產,主要是因為那兒有我上千家的供應商,這些供應商去我的工廠過半條馬路就到了,我又何必讓他們全部坐半天飛機去美國出差呢。

當然啦,美國技術先進我是一萬個同意的。如果在美國能多部署一些機器人,我覺得方案可行。不過,這會造成兩方面的問題。第一,人類學幾個小時就學會的東西,機器人得學多久,得花小半年功夫吧;第二,活全讓機器人乾了,你當初的那些選民還得喝西北風啊。

什麼,你說提高關稅?我猜這沒什麼用;但如果你承諾減稅,承諾補貼就業,承諾給我用的電打五折,還能賞我幾大片地……那麼這事我覺得還有的商量。你總說媒體曲解你的話,那我報紙電視都不看了,就天天守著推特等你在上面公布這個方案,最好是具體花多少錢,給我減多少錢的數字,畢竟商人,咱們還是用踏踏實實的數字說話比較靠譜。到時候我一定在推特上「轉評贊」一條龍變著法地誇你。

最後的最後,怕你忘了,還是想提醒一下,就跟在美國和墨西哥間豎的那道牆一樣,這錢得你掏,可千萬別往我身上來,這種賠本的生意我可不做,我是正經生意人,跟你這動不動就胡思亂想的,可不一樣。

此致

鴻海董事長 郭台銘

(翻頁看英文版原文)

Dear Mr. Trump,

You don't know me but I'm Terry Gou, the man who makes your iPhone.

Let me start by congratulating you on the election. Your victory made me consider running for office myself. Next time you talk with the president of Taiwan, it might be me on the other end of the line.

We have a lot in common, you and I. We're both billionaires (although I am richer), we both like to build things, we're both married to gorgeous younger women, and we both hate Wall Street.

I know that you've been telling your constituents that you're going to create a lot of jobs, so I want to give you some advice.

First, you don't actually have to create any jobs, you just have to make people think you're going to create them. I am sure you're familiar with the concept.

Actually, I can help you with that. If you look at Brazil, Indonesia, India and half a dozen Chinese provinces, you'll see that my work speaks for itself.

Take Indonesia, one of my proudest achievements. Oh no, I haven't built a single iPhone there and probably never will. During closed-door discussions, they allowed themselves to believe I might invest $10 billion in a mobile-phone factory. It's not my fault some over-eager politician, keen to burnish his reputation as a can-do leader, blabbed to the media.

All I need to do is lay out my demands and watch while the bureaucrats and politicians argue about whether they can afford to have me or risk falling short on a campaign pledge.

So that's where you and I need to talk. I hear you've been telling people you're going to get Apple to build stuff in America. Well, you see, Tim Cook doesn't build things, I do. In fact, I got $75 billion in revenue from them last year.

I am a doer, Mr. Trump. I get things done. When Apple told me to start making iPhones in Brazil to get around import tariffs, I made it happen. It didn't create much employment, mind you, because I just exported pre-fabricated iPhones for the locals to slot together -- kind of like Lego -- but it got the job done. And by job, I mean kept Apple's and Brazil's leaders happy. And who do you think paid for it? Not me.

If you want iPhones to be made in America, I can make that happen, too. Heck, I can set up a production line in Trump Towers if you like, but the costs will be yuuuge. I have to cover my expenses, which include factories, labor and transport. You see, I don't manufacture in China just because it's cheaper, but because thousands of suppliers are there, within spitting distance of my factories and the one million people I employ during peak season.

I can deploy more robots in the U.S., sure, but it can take months to train them whereas humans can be taught in a few hours. Besides, more robots means fewer jobs.

Bumping up your import tariffs won't change the equation much, but give me tax breaks, subsidies to hire workers, cheap electricity and free land, and I'm sure we can come to some arrangement. Let me know what numbers you want to Tweet, and I've got your back.

But just remember: Like that wall you're planning to build, somebody's going to have to pay. And it won't be me, let me tell you.

Best,

Terry Gou

Chairman, Foxconn Technology Group.